My Ten-Year Quit-iversary

I quit. In June of 2014 I left my secure, full-time, corporate job to become an independent coach. It was a solid company with a lot of benefits, BUT it was changing too slowly for this agile enthusiast. 

Before that, I deliberated. There was a huge pile of reasons NOT to quit. After 18 years I assumed I would retire from there (with a nice retirement package). The financial fears I felt at the thought of being self-employed overwhelmed me at times. I also worried about my kids and the impact on them if I started traveling for work. Should I choose safety over satisfaction?

Before that, I believed. Through some internal teaching and coaching opportunities, I found new meaning in my work. I saw enough evidence that I could make a positive difference in people’s lives. I also had friends and coworkers who believed in me - often more than I believed in myself. Their support gave me the confidence to actually quit. 

Before that, I spoke. A mentor/friend needed a co-facilitator for a conference workshop and asked if I was interested. At the time I was terrified of public speaking! I said, “Yes.” anyway. I was practicing facing my fears and this seemed like the next challenge. I’m grateful I agreed because Matt taught me so much, AND it sparked an ongoing desire to speak and get involved at more conferences!

Before that, I attended. My first conference was Agile & Beyond 2011 in Detroit, MI. (It’s still a favorite, but I’m biased since I’m on the organizing committee.) I was introduced to a sometimes ornery, often idealistic, and always antagonistic group of people. This agile community provided encouragement, laughter and the sense of belonging that I really needed. 

Before that, I learned. There were better ways to deliver software. At first, I didn’t want to give up my requirements spreadsheets. The familiar brought me comfort. The skills I knew made me feel safer than the practices I was learning. But as Maya Angelou once said, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” So eventually I embraced stories on index cards and collaborative acceptance tests, among other things. 

Before anything, I said, “Yes”. I agreed to be on this newly formed “agile” team, one of the first at the company. I didn’t know what that meant at the time – neither did the company. :D We had a coach who challenged us and taught us and tolerated our resistance. Along the way were many chances to say, “yes” and I took as many as I could. 

And so I quit. With evidence of my abilities and with lots of encouragement from the community, I said, “Yes!” to a life of helping teams adopt an agile mindset and in the process, find joy in their work again. My choice to leave reflected my hopes and not my fears. I bring that hope to every client I work with. I want to inspire, teach and support them as they pave their own way. 

Do you have a quitting story?  

Who inspires you? What people or events encourage you?

Want a 30-minute chat about a specific coaching challenge or about working together? Fill out this contact form or DM me @dbzajac and we'll find a time that works for both of us!

 

Announcing the Agile2017 People Program Team

This year I have the pleasure of returning as a Program Chair for Agile 2017. With that honor, I have the difficult task of selecting a program team for the People Program. This team consists of eight track chairs that work in pairs to review submissions, coach submitters, and provide recommendations for the final program.

I am happy to announce the People Program for Agile 2017:

Open Jam also has a chair – the person that plans and facilitates that space before and during the entire conference week. As an extra “track,” this falls under my direction. I am pleased to announce that Olaf Lewitz (@olaflewitz) is returning in that role for Agile 2017.

If you’re curious, we select track chairs based on a number of factors.
• Individuals with the knowledge, passion and availability to recommend the best submissions for inclusion into the program.
• Prior experience as a track chair and/or reviewer (required).
• Recommendations and feedback from prior track, program, and/or conference chairs.
• Ensuring we have a good mix of returning and new people. (To support this, we restrict returning track chairs to three consecutive track chair rotations.)
• Ensuring diversity on the program and, as best as possible, for each track.

This is a time-consuming job and I am grateful to each of these folks for committing to the undertaking of it. This community is built on the sharing of ourselves, which includes our ideas and our time. And these folks embody that. I am proud to be in their company.

 *Note: If you have interest in getting involved, be sure to talk to someone about being a reviewer. We can’t guarantee it, but we try to find spots for everyone who wants to help. It really does take a village. ☺

Silence is Not Always Golden

I had a challenging experience at a workshop last year. During a large group debrief of an exercise, the course facilitator instructed me to be quiet. I had a strong emotional reaction to his rebuke. (You can read more in this previous post.)

I was angry. At him, at myself for not dealing with it better and at another group which I didn’t expect...my classmates. Let me explain.

Within moments of my return to class, a couple of peers texted me from across the room, asking if I was okay. At lunch, others shared their anger at the encounter. One told me that he was probably angrier than me – to which I responded that that was highly unlikely. I received nothing but support from these new friends. So why was I angry with them?

Two reasons: silence and hero worship. Both of which I was guilty, too.

After the encounter, no one stood up and said, “I don’t think Diane should be silenced.” Or “I would like to hear what Diane has to say.” Or even a polite raise of the hand and “I think every attendee should be allowed to share their ideas.” I was on my own and completely unprepared to respond. How I wish someone would have responded for me. Silence is not always golden.

I can guess one reason for the silence. Each participant came to this class because they admired, respected, or idolized this instructor. He is an iconic figure and we flocked there to listen to his words of wisdom. Throughout the week, when he cut people off or snapped at individuals during the class exercises, there was a sense that maybe he was trying to teach us something.

It was as if we assumed that everything he said was intentional. We looked the other way because he was being rude for your benefit, to help you learn something. A few eyebrows were raised here and there, but no one challenged his methods. That’s one of the dangers of hero worship: the glow from their aura blinds us. We doubted our inner voices that said something was wrong. We remained silent.

After this specific interaction, my opinion of the instructor was shattered. Any pedestal I may have created for him was cracked to bits. I didn’t care what books he wrote or how life-changing his advice had been to others. I saw a bully. A man who felt that intimidation was appropriate for the classroom.

But not my classmates. For the rest of the week, they still hung on his every word. They still signed up for lunch with him and treated it like a religious experience. They waited after class to have a few more moments with the “legend.”

These were the same people who told me how wrong he treated me. The same people who said they felt that his actions were inhibiting others from participating fully in class out of fear of being “yelled at.” How could they hold two contradictory opinions of the same person?

It turns out that when we admire people, it’s easy for us to excuse their behavior. Explained simply, if their behavior does not align with our values, our brains are fairly good at resolving the cognitive dissonance by rationalizing their actions. [Read more.]. When we have the opportunity to gain their favor, or reduce their criticism toward us, we make even more excuses. (A little too similar to Stockholm Syndrome, if you ask me.)

Why does it matter? Because every time we ignore the bullying behavior and seek these heroes’ knowledge or approval instead, we feed the fire of their egos. Just read Twitter if you want examples of this. I’ve seen too many industry “thought-leaders” belittle folks for having a different opinion. These are the worst kind of bullies because they have noble intent (self-identified, of course: they think they are helping the rest of us by bestowing their “wisdom” upon us.)

So were my peers wrong? No, I guess not. They got their money’s worth from the class and hopefully learned what they wanted. Am I frustrated because another self-righteous "hero" got feedback that he can say what he wants and still be revered? Yes, I am.

I realize that one person speaking up or choosing NOT to elicit wisdom from these types won’t snuff out their egos. But what else will? Our time and attention is fuel and we should thoughtfully consider which fires we feed and which we allow to burn out.

Sometimes that takes courage – which I don’t always have. Sometimes it means confronting a person that you’ve admired for years – which I’m sometimes scared to do. Sometimes it means standing up for a classmate – when they can’t speak for themselves.

“Always stand for what is right, even if you are standing alone.” - Unknown

Standing up for what is right is character building. It’s also confidence-building, relationship-building and community-building, among other things. While these big-ego types are interested in tearing people down, we each have the power to build people up. And when you stand up for what is right, you might just become a real hero to someone who needs one.

*** Note: I’ve considered that maybe he’s not a bully. Maybe he was just having a bad day. (Emphasis added to irritate him if he ever reads this.) But if he was ill or otherwise incapable of remaining professional, then I believe he should have excused himself from the exercise. As an instructor, that is a tough call to make, but it is our professional responsibility.

How Much Should I Invest In Myself?

A few years ago, I was invited to a unique experience called Consultants’ Camp. It’s an annual, week-long event focused on the joys and challenges of being a consultant. (Ask me if you want more info.)

At the time, I was struggling with the question of, “How do I know how much to spend on my own professional development?” This encompassed not just budgeting dollars, but my time and effort as well. Since going independent, I saw opportunities everywhere, in every direction, and everything sounded fun and interesting. I couldn’t practically say, ‘yes,’ to everything but the FOMO was strong with me!

So what I proposed at Consultants’ Camp was what we call a reverse session. I posed my question and gathered ideas and thoughts from the attendees. I learned many nuggets of gold that helped me create decision filters for evaluating new opportunities. I share this advice in hopes that it will help you as much as it’s helped me.

Do you know where you’re going?

This is a good starting question. Do you have a direction? An area of focus? A bourgeoning passion? If you do, you’re ahead of a lot of us. It’s still a good idea to create guardrails for your decisions related to pursuing that existing interest. Think of it like driving down the highway at night. You know where you’re headed and guardrails help to keep you from veering off the road.

And it’s okay if you answered, “no.” In fact, most of this advice is geared toward you since that was my answer at the time. I was direction-less. I had years of experience as a business analyst, lots of exposure to agile development and a newfound excitement about coaching. Those were intersecting, but not completely overlapping areas. In which direction should I proceed?

What is your unfair advantage?

One camper asked me that question and received a blank look. Unfair advantage? I knew of elevator pitches – and dreaded creating mine, but this was a new term for me. He explained that given the unique nature of people, coupled with the unique history, experiences and competencies of our individual lives, we each have something to offer that gives us an unfair advantage over others.

Sometimes this can be easy to see about yourself. For example, I recognized from my years as an agile BA, that this group of people is underserved in the industry. Much of what’s out there for BAs is pretty traditional ‘all requirements up front’ material. I knew I could fill that gap. (I applied this decision filter a few months later by saying ‘yes’ to an opportunity to speak at BA World Atlanta.)

Other times, your unfair advantage can be situational and harder to see. For example, I don’t want to work full-time and I never thought that would be an advantage.  It turns out that some consultancies need people who only want part-time work. Win-win-FTW.

Your advantage can also be economic. Because I maintain six-months income in the bank, I can be selective in the work & opportunities I take. I started that reserve account as security for leaving corporate America. But now, if I didn’t have that safety net, I would feel pressure to take less than ideal work. I might also pass up great volunteer opportunities or situations where I have to pay my own expenses.

Why are you investing in yourself?

I know Simon says to ‘Start With Why,’ but he’ll forgive me for making it third. ;) So what are your goals for professional development? What is worthy of your time, money and effort? Sometimes goals are directly tied to business interests. You want to become a certified trainer for X so you can host classes. Many times naïve executives and HR departments will even give you more money if you have letters after your name. I’m not sure I would want to work with folks who use that logic, but it’s a real thing.

Sometimes, motivation to pursue professional development is fuzzier. We may like learning, and it has no direct connection to revenue. If it brings you joy, do it anyway! (As long as you can afford it.) We make better decisions when we are happy and we are happiest when we are doing what we love. For example, that winter after Camp, I took a photography class – just for fun. Now I use my own photos for my blog and Green Jeans Consulting site. I didn’t anticipate that, but find it very gratifying.

I can’t present at a conference - can I?

Other than signing up for a training class, how can you learn? Everyone knows conferences provide perfect places for networking. Sometimes we forget that they also have great content by talented speakers!

What is also not as obvious to some is the unique opportunity that conferences provide for ANYONE to give a talk. Yes, even you. A great way to become an expert on a topic is to know that you are going to present on the topic. Instant pressure!

Preparing for a talk forces me to refine my own thinking and to consider different ways to articulate my ideas to others. It can be a big time commitment to submit a proposal, craft a talk & travel to present. And many conferences do not reimburse for travel expenses. But the impacts to my life have been priceless. I believe attending and presenting have been the most influential activities in my professional life. I'm so glad I overcame my fear.

One sidenote on networking: it is not a four-letter word that sleazy people do over drinks while exchanging business cards. To me, it means meeting folks who share similar interests. Occasionally, a few of those folks stand out as kindred spirits whom I would like to know better and maybe even work with. The quality of the connections is much more important than the quantity of them.

My reverse session also touched on writing which is an entire other blog post of ideas for another time. For now, be reminded that posting blogs or submitting articles is a great way to invest time in yourself and your professional development. But you already knew that. J

The main takeaways from my reverse session were:

• Decide which doors to NOT walk through: It can be just as helpful to know when to say, ‘no,’ as when to say, ‘yes.’ Sometimes I need to trust my gut…and so do you.
• Learn from past experiences: If you tried something and didn’t enjoy it, take note. Don’t pursue something if you don’t LOVE it. Be picky about how you spend your time, effort and money.
• Experiment: While trying something out, reduce the time to say “uh oh.” Try something and listen to your gut. If you treat experiences as experiments, you’ll always learn. Don’t be afraid to pull the plug on something that you decide is not for you.

Perhaps the biggest thing that I learned is that there is more potential for increasing value than reducing costs. You can try to skimp and save on your professional development. But you risk missing out on the tremendous value that may come from pursuing what you love or exploring what interests you.

In the past, I have viewed being directionless as a stress; now I view it as an adventure. It invites investigation, discovery and opportunities to connect with other adventurers. Consultants’ Camp was the perfect place to be reminded that my journey is just beginning and that I’m in the driver’s seat.

Strong Emotional Reaction

 "Now you listen…I don’t want to hear you say another word. You’re not allowed to talk anymore."

What? Did the instructor just say that to me? The instructor continues talking to the circle of thirty students, but I hear nothing. Our entire interaction preceding that comment took less than 4 minutes, yet I am swirling with emotions and cannot regain focus. After several minutes, I exit the room.

The sun is blazing on the hotel in the high desert where I’ve traveled a great distance to learn from one of the “greats.” Thankful for the shade of the entry drive, I pace in front of the hotel. In my hasty exit, I left my room key & purse in the classroom. F#ck!

I’m angry, disappointed, confused, hurt, and getting more pissed off since I’m starting to get hungry.  My body is a roulette wheel of emotions and every minute I’m losing bets. Why am I reacting so strongly to this relatively small event?

I think we are all susceptible to this...have you ever had a strong response that was disproportionate to the trigger? I think it’s important to dig a little when we have such intense reactions. A psychologist friend of mine would say there’s gold in those moments. This event happened many months ago, and I’m finally taking the time to dissect my reactions.

My anger started because I was appalled that an instructor would shut down any student in front of a class. As an occasional trainer myself, I have an unspoken “code” about how to treat students. Scolding them and quieting them in front of their peers is certainly on the “don’t ever do” side of the code.  

My disappointment was fairly logical because I had spent a lot of money for this class based on rave reviews by previous attendees. After hearing how “life-changing” the week could be, I had high expectations. By day three, I was still waiting for the ‘wow’. I debated whether I could sit through the rest of the week after I’d lost all respect for the instructor.

My confusion stemmed from why he chose those words. The class had been debriefing the previous day’s exercise. We were reviewing a transcript of a conversation in which I was involved and he announced that I was a bottleneck for information. I spoke up and pointed to the transcript, which showed me communicating the required information to the appropriate person. But he pushed on. So I pushed back. We polled the class on a key point…still no support for his interpretation.

But he would not let up. So I questioned the basis of his opinion. The snarky side of me thought that he must not be used to having his opinion questioned. I wanted to know why he was labeling me with no data to support it. But his motivation didn’t really matter.

Because if you know me, and any of my story, my hurt reaction will make the most sense. Being the youngest of three sisters, I was told to “be quiet” a lot. Being the outspoken daughter of a traditional, Polish, single mom, I was told to “stop being difficult” even more frequently. I was always too loud, too opinionated, too much.

As I got older and my world expanded beyond my family, I found people who asked to hear my ideas and friends who welcomed my rebellious energy. My life changed as others accepted me. I became more and more confident and more and more open to the world – and the people in it.

Because when we are accepted, we start to believe that we can add value to the world. We start to un-learn the patterns of self-doubt and defensiveness. This is a long process, but over time we can gain a new confidence in ourselves and in our contributions. This new confidence encourages us to open our stance, expose our thoughts, share our true passions.

The tricky part is that feeling valuable is a temporary condition. Finishing my first successful year as an independent, I was feeling fairly confident when I arrived for class. But as my contributions were dismissed and I became bored throughout the week, my irritation and impatience grew. My old habits of defensiveness and aggression kicked into high gear. I started fighting for acceptance, fighting to be heard again.

Many of us have old habits. Maybe yours involve self-loathing and retreating. Or maybe you criticize everyone else to make yourself feel better. Regardless, old habits can get in the way of our current progress, whether it’s collaborating with your team, acing a job interview, or learning more from a class. It can be very helpful to identify your pattern so you can spot it & seek alternative paths when appropriate.

For example, retrospecting on this specific encounter, I see that while I fiercely defended my perspective, my field of vision for options was greatly reduced. These “blinders” prevented me from finding a creative solution to the impasse that was created by our opposing views.

For instance, I could have facilitated a discussion about the definition of the word ‘bottleneck.’ Or I could have asked for volunteers to recreate the scene in question. I also could have calmly stated that I was confused by his accusation. Basically, I could have done anything other than take his words personally.

Even more importantly, my tunnel vision kept me from exploring alternatives to leaving. Upon hearing the instructor’s rebuke, I immediately shut down. How much fun would it have been if I would’ve quacked like a duck until he acknowledged my ‘voice’? Or stood up and wrote my comments on flip chart paper since I wasn’t allowed to speak? I could have made myself a scarlet letter to wear - “Q” for questioning? At the very least, I could have pointed out that I was offended by being told to be quiet.

But none of those things happened. Instead I reacted in my default pattern of defensiveness because I didn’t see that I had other options. It’s ok. The experience opened my eyes to one of my patterns. Now I do my best to notice my emotional state if situations escalate. And while I may not have the perfect response, I am better prepared to see creative solutions.

So does this outcome excuse this instructor’s behavior? I don’t think so. Am I better off now? Yes. Because with most unpleasant people and situations, I try to find the silver lining aka the learning opportunity. Fortunately, that is one of my good habits.

What about you? What is one of your old habits? What kicks in when you have a strong emotional reaction?

*Note: I want to call out the professionalism and kindness of the other instructor. When I left the classroom, she immediately came searching for me. She patiently allowed me to vent, taking the brunt of what I wanted to say to the offensive instructor. Without invalidating my feelings, she offered a useful perspective that helped me decide to finish out the week.

If you do not change direction...

Holding Back

I’ve become a conference junkie over the last 2+ years. Add in books, webinars, articles, and tweets and I sometimes feel like Violet Beauregarde. I share her competitive tendencies and wonder if I’m not too quick to jump on every opportunity to expand my knowledge.

My concern is that I’m spending a lot of time taking in other people’s thoughts and ideas. That’s not bad, of course. It’s a primary source of learning and stretching your brain.

But how do I know I’m learning? Where is my output? I write a blog post once a month (at least I try to) and I have presented a few talks and webinars. But most of that has been repetitive material and all things that I know very well.

What am I doing with all this new stuff I’m taking in?

A key component of learning is doing something with the new information. And sharing it aids retention like nothing else. So why aren’t I sharing more?

I started thinking about what might be holding me back because it feels unbalanced. Here's what I came up with. Do any of these reasons sound familiar?

No Process Time: Sometimes I don’t give myself time to process the new material. Or the situation doesn’t conveniently provide a respite, like at a conference. And in the flurry of new ideas, I just move on to the next gem. Shiny!

-> Opportunity: Pause. Breathe. Digest. Even if it means missing something else. It’s better for me to skip a session that I’m not super excited about so that I can process the notes from a session that posed cool, new ideas. Same applies to webinars, articles, etc. Be intentional with my time. Less is more.

Imposter Syndrome Strikes: Why do I think I have something original to add to the plethora of information already out there? This self-doubt that I have something unique to say is, well, ridiculous, when I think about it. We are all literally unique. I just might explain the same idea with a twist that helps someone understand it for the first time or push someone else’s thought in a new direction.

-> Opportunity: Speak now or forever hold your peace (or is it piece, in this case?). Ok, less drama, but the point is – just say it. I have this one life to make a difference. Offer my thoughts boldly and without comparison to those around me.

Fear of Rejection: Related to Imposter Syndrome, the fear of rejection creeps in whenever I put my self out there. What if no one likes my idea? Or no one agrees? Or worse, everyone thinks I’m an idiot. It’s much safer to share someone else’s ideas because if they are rejected, then the original speaker is getting rejected, not me.

-> Opportunity: I think the advice is “same as above” with one addition. If I am going to write an article or create a presentation, then it’s ok to call on trusted friends and colleagues to review my material. So be brave and step out there – and put my best self out there.

Is There Anybody Out There? Another mental game I play is called, “If you have a brilliant thought and no one hears it, is it really brilliant?” In moments of weakness, I worry that my efforts are wasted. How can I impact the world if I don’t get 10,000 page views?

-> Opportunity: I must remind myself why I’m writing, sharing, etc. It is not about page views or likes or shares. Those numbers don’t measure anything valuable. What gets me excited is teaching one person a better approach to a problem. Or reigniting one person’s passion for their career. Or inspiring one person to submit a talk to a conference for the first time.  The power of one will change the world.

So there’s my list. What about you? What’s holding you back? Leave me a comment – I would love to hear from you.